Characteristics of Codependence or how to understand that I am codependent?

Over-concern

The codependents in most cases:

• think and feel that they are responsible for the addict – for their emotions, thoughts, actions, choices, desires, needs and in general for their fate;
• worry, feel pity and guilt for every problem that arises;
• feel obligated – almost forced to react immediately to every action of the addict;
• try to please the addict at their own expense;
• feel constant tension and feel tired.

Low self-esteem

The codependents most often:

• constantly blame themselves;
• blame themselves for everything they think of, including the way they think, feel, look, act and behave;
• think they are not good enough;
• fear rejection;
• feel ashamed of themselves;
• feel ashamed of the problem in the family;
• feel confused, being losers, etc. – in response to the problems and failures of the addict in the family;
• are convinced that they do not deserve to be happy or that something good could happen to them;
• do not believe that they can love and be loved.

Obsessive thoughts

The codependents tend to:

• be terribly worried about a problem or a person;
• worry about trifles;
• focus all their energy only on the problem or the person;
• abandon their duties because they are constantly upset by their problems.

Controlling

Most of the codependent:

• live in an uncontrollable environment and with uncontrollable people, which inflicts daily pain and frustration;
• do not notice or try to notice their fear of losing control;
• think they know best how to fix things and how to control problems;
• try to control everything and everyone around them through helplessness, sense of guilt, violence, threats, advice, manipulation or domination.

Denial

Codependents most often:

• deny long before acknowledging their problems;
• belittle their problems;
• believe lies; they delude themselves.

Addiction

Most codependent:

• get ‘hooked’ on each person and anything they think can help them solve their problems;
• need other persons more rather than wanting to be with them;
• allow others to abuse them in order not to lose them;
• feel trapped, maintaining certain relationships;
• desperately need love and approval;
• worry that the other will abandon them.

Unstable borders

Codependents often:

• state that they will not allow others to behave in a certain way;
• gradually expand their limits of tolerance until they eventually begin to do and allow others to do things, they have said they would never allow;
• allow others to hurt them;

Progressive move

In the late stages of codependence, people sometimes:

• are overwhelmed by lethargy;
• feel depressed;
• feel alienated and isolated from the world;
• neglect their children and other responsibilities;
• experience feelings of hopelessness;
• think of suicide;
• get infuriated;
• suffer from a severe emotional, mental or physical disorder;
• get addicted to alcohol, drugs or narcotics.